It’s been about a week since I found out I didn’t get the Big Job.
You know, it’s really okay, because it wasn’t exactly what I was trying to manifest anyways. They don’t have an office in France NOR a flexible schedule, which was the most important thing I wanted.
Well, one of the top three, anyways.
Here’s proof, I came across this in a pile from a couple of months ago:
The reality is this: I’ve come to the conclusion I’ve been focusing on manifesting the totally wrong thing. #staywithme
In order to explain my thinking, I have to go back to the beginning, to a little over two and a half years ago when I realized I
wanted needed had to do more writing.
I had to figure out a way to do that, so I worked part-time for a year and then I took money out of my 401(k), took the plunge, and bet the house on myself. #allofit
I started with OK, I’m gonna work part-time and write part-time and that was enough to make me seem a little edgy and like hey she’s really going for it!
Then I got to: I’m gonna be a freelance writer full-time – I’m gonna write news articles, and magazine articles and I’m gonna write copy. And I went for it!
But I couldn’t find a “niche.”
You’re supposed to have a “niche.”
And a “why.”
Maybe the reason why I can’t decide on a niche, why the work isn’t flowing, why I’m not landing the jobs I’m going after is because I’m not doing the real writing I need to do.
And by that, I mean my personal stuff.
I feel like I haven’t gone deep enough. Like I haven’t gotten to the core of the issue.
But the deeper I go, the more afraid I am that somebody is going to call me out as being a shit writer.
And if I’m a shit writer then what the fuck am I doing?
If I’m honest with myself, I want to be an author, not a newspaper reporter. Or a copywriter.
If I write for other people I don’t write for myself. The poem a day is getting me into it, and the fearless writing challenge is getting me into it and it’s all definitely juicing me up.
But then I read other people’s writing and it’s so good and I think Fuck! I’m delusional and I’ve been delusional this whole time.
Am I completely delusional?
For now, I’m not worried about it (ha! did you read yesterday’s post? I bet you thought you got me, huh?)
I’m just sitting with it. Letting it simmer, and seeing what I come up with.
In open curiosity,